Lord Have Mercy

Lord have mercy

Lord have mercy

Why is it so hard?

For me to believe

To say I believe

Hi everybody, I believe

But I’m lost

I’m a liar

I’m a fraud

In the crease between

Who I am, and

Who, speaks to me

Who, shouts at me

I am darkness

I am searing pain

I am terrified of who I am

And what I might do

The visions

The evil

The charging

Overpowering

Vision of my actions

If unchecked

Terrify me

That, an instant

Might yield such horror

Might kill, that which I love

Might grab something

And cause pain

I can’t do it

I won’t do it

I don’t trust, that the vision

Might be real

Might reveal

Every bit of darkness

Within me

It was a flash of what could be

It was like a lightning strike of unforgivable

My death I could forgive

My death I could live with

What kind of madness of

Momentary permanence

I took the only action I could to assure I wouldn’t snap

A snap would shatter

Burst every molecule of who I am

I did what I had to do

What I was compelled to do

Not to cross

That unforgivable line

You see I didn’t just see it

I felt, the rush of dark

The action, I couldn’t take back

The SNAP

It wasn’t just a flash of madness

It was powerful

It sprang to life

I could feel the gun in my hands

The jolt of the unforgivable action

That would shatter who I was

Cross the line of unforgivable

The deliberate permanent motion

I couldn’t undo

I did what I had to do

To stop myself

To stop

To guarantee the line would not be crossed

I stopped the obliteration of all I was

I saved my self

By killing me

In an instant

I took the only action I could see

I made the choice to end my life

It was the anguished instant

The only choice I could see

I am numb

I was in action

Why didn’t the gun jam?

Why couldn’t I breathe?

It didn’t

I couldn’t

 I won the battle

I lost my war

But I did the forgivable

The unforgivable I couldn’t live with

I had to stop myself

I would rather die

Than be

That guy

Hi everybody

I did what I had to do

Keep me alive

It was a guarantee

To save me from the horror

That was me

Hi everybody I’m struggling

I am afraid of who I could be

It seems so clear

This tear within me could open

Swallowing every part of who I know myself to be

I couldn’t live with my instability

I could not trust myself

I will not let that

Be me

I will kill myself

Before I shatter every part of who I am

More and more the dark flashes

Stab my soul

Visions of actions of evil                     

Unforgivable flashes

Lightning in my mind

Illuminating the darkness

Soulless uncaring evil

I know I am not noble

But I had to stop myself

Shattered mirrors

Jagged pieces of possibility

Of what I could

I have no idea

I saw a vision of what

Such cruelty such rage

I had to stop it

Snap judgment

I snapped

It was so real

Jolting violently real

I couldn’t trust myself

Because I knew myself

This wasn’t the first dark thought

When I was in the ocean

That time it was a letting go

I was numb

Stunned by the rushing emptiness

I let go

I was blind

But then I saw

What was that dog doing here?

It was only an instant

And then it was gone

Under the waves

It was enough

For me to take another breath

It was enough for me to live

Hi everybody I am enough

I need help

I’m struggling

 I pulled the trigger

It was too late

No letter

No note

I pulled the trigger

It was a permanent instant

It happened

I would rather hurt myself

Than risk hurting anyone else

I’ve said it

Why didn’t he just kill himself?

He did

I hate it

But I respect his choice

No I don’t

It was a false choice

 I reached out for help

But it didn’t work

I couldn’t trust myself

I couldn’t trust

I believed

My

Self

Lord have mercy