Thought Pasture

-POOF- I saw that tumor Dissolve like cotton candy in water that sweet water filled me with creation creation I could feel in every fiber and that creation released onto a page onto a palette into a verse into a gesture a dance energy spirit POOF

What do you think you’re doing? It was kind of a stinging comment. What. I said What do you think you’re doing? I’m making a sandwich. Oh no you’re not it’s after nine You don’t need that. She was right. But she said it wrong. which made me want to eat more I was hungry but was I? What was I doing I wasn’t hungry, really. I just knew the food was there and it would taste good it would fill that temporary permanent hole. I grudgingly put the bread, mayo, tomato and leftover chicken back in the fridge I felt ashamed and angry but I also felt sad what was I doing?

Cold Justice? She ran out of the house It was the ice cream truck She pulled the pin on the Hand grenade and threw it at the truck It went right through the service   And boom Ice cream bars everywhere She picked up an orange dreamscicle And turned to walk back inside What the hell lady Are you crazy? You know what I am. I am sick of listening to that. Every summer. And all I can think of when I hear it, Is some pedophile peddling popsicles And ice cream bars. So yeah, maybe I am a little crazy But he had it coming. People in the neighborhood stood dumbfounded As she polished off the dreamscicle and walked away As if it was just another day. The sound of sirens soon filled the air Replacing the ice cream truck’s Now silenced symphony

WHAT STOPPED YOU? What stopped you? Ultimately it was the mirror. Mirror, Mirror on the wall Who is that in the mirror? I don’t want her. I want to live. I don’t want her. Nurse Jackie stopped me. She was good. She was an angel. She was a mess. Her life was a mess. The mirror shattered. The curtain fell and there it was A pile of lies. Anger Resentment Pride H.A.L.T. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired I checked off all four. I was done. I need help Not later NOW I need help A few days Five actually to dry out On the line Then fate reached out Lent a hand I read the book I walked to the room I sat down and listened I felt my pain revealed And Welcomed by people who knew I kept coming back I keep coming back I’m worth it.

I don’t know why I did it I guess I was looking for a way not to think. Not to acknowledge I was just a purposeless blob. “Why not?” was more of the thought for me? It wasn’t like me. But I wasn’t me. At the point I was making drinking the focus of my life, I didn’t like me. And the greatest irony was I was in such a beautiful place, Vermont. I had dogs and a cat and a partner to drink with. But the time to fill The lack of will The constant question of what are we going to drink tonight? Jim Beam, Smirnoff, Canadian Club while binge watching Mad Men. And those were my friends. the people on TV. The people, who could not see me. The people I could visit with, and then Make them leave. Written: 8/22/2017