THE COOKIES

I wanted more

It really wasn’t a matter of why

I was like a fireplace grate craving logs

Where do all those logs go?

In the meeting

A woman was talking

Sharing her story, of out of control

I mean bottomless consumption of alcohol

And all I could think about was the homemade

Chocolate chip cookies behind me

Sue had given me one of them

I had noticed them when I came in

But stayed away

I knew the risk

But when Sue offered the cookie

I took it greedily

Sue’s face and whole being

Faded into the background

All I could see was the cookie

The cookie came to me

At first I nonchalantly broke off a piece

I stuffed my urge to swallow it whole

Into my waiting grate

And drain every bit of energy out of it

Transforming it into a flame, whose masticated remains, would disappear

Into the black hole of me.

It was gone, the cookie, but I was engaged

NOTHING, nothing in the room held my attention

Like the gathering of homemade chocolate chip cookies

resting in the container behind me

I could hear and see the speaker

But it was the cookies

They were good

Not oh my GOD good

I could make better

But anything I could make was not at hand.

The cookies were right there. I didn’t just want one

I wanted them all

I wanted the instant gratification

Over and over and over

But something was stopping me

My former sponsor, was right there. She would notice

Sue would notice. Everyone would notice.

I wanted the cookies but I didn’t want everybody to see my gluttony

I knew it was the wrong thing to do

But WHY DOES THE WRONG THING TASTE SO GOOD.

OR DOES IT?

What was really going on?

I was hurtling.

I was out of balance.

I’ve been around cookies before and they have held no draw.

So what was this?

I was in a rush again.

I was being carried by a current I did not control

I was powerless

I was powerless-my life had become unmanageable.

I came to believe a power greater could return me to sanity.

But I didn’t want sanity.

I wanted the cookie

And I did NOT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR WANTING IT

OR HAVING IT.

But that comes with the territory.

Because,                 

Say I did have the cookie

I had all the cookies

All of the cheese

All of the bread

The peanut butter and

The Jolly Ranchers.

My body would be The TELL

My body would not be like the fireplace grate

Empty and standing ready for more

My body would get bigger and bigger

My shirts and pants would not fit

The cookie would be gone and all I would be left with would be me

And my contempt for myself

For what I had become

The contempt would fuel discontent

And I’d need to sooth that with what was easy

Not good for me

But easy

This is not easy